MiKE: Ugh. Postmodernism is Hard

I have not written in a long time. Both for this blog, and for my academic work. The problem with that, I've learned, is that at the moment of being read, stuff can make a lot of sense, but until one has to deal with the pressures of textual production, of using and combining ideas that one has read, these ideas never really becomes the 'property' of the reader.

So it's tough; it's been tough. I think I have encountered quite a lot of material, if I can recall correctly, there has been much stuff that I've read from such authors as Michael Apple, Henry Giroux, Chela Sandoval, Gunther-Kress, Theo van Leeuwen, Jay Lemke and many many others including some in the cognitive learning, semiotics, sociology of education, and other topics, but for the most part, I effectively cannot remember a thing about who said what.

And so I am starting to have doubts as to whether I have actually read all that, or have I been dreaming as the words appeared before my eyes, and I created for myself the illusion of ingesting the words and constructing the meanings?

I suppose a part of this has to do with moving away from the known and the comfortable, the life and the mechanics of getting along in a job in singapore, and moving into a new career, in a new country, in a new field, with little feedback as to whether I am treading in the right track, or soon to fall into a deep ravine with only very difficult escape.

And I feel as if I have fallen into a deep funk, knowing the way out in principle, but not able to motivate myself to move. I sit here by the computer most hours of the day, getting life sucked out of me as I watch piles of papers unread grow around me. Once in a while, when I get panicked enough, I download some more papers from journal sites which I think will be helpful for my "research", which then get added to the "to read" pile. And as a consequence of sitting before the screen too much, I am putting on weight. Not anywhere near obese, to be sure, but enough to make me feel sluggish and wanting to head over to the athletic centre and run. And then I realise my knee hurts once in a while when I run.

I know what to do. I know what I should be doing. I know that I should do it bit by bit. I know I should take notes, get started on a writing project; talk to people; join others who are in the same boat; exercise; stay away from the damn computer; all that.

But there is so much; too much. sian ah